Vacancy at the Heartbreak Hotel

Vacancy at the Heartbreak Hotel... Current mood: Contemplative

So by request, here are some thoughts on breakups...since I have the longest running record of getting dumped...I am pretty much just waiting on the call from Guiness Book of World Records.

What liar told you it was easy?

If someone dares tell you breaking up is easy, they deserve a big punch to the face! It is never easy...sometimes are easier than others, but one thing to keep in mind, which I read somewhere once, is that breaking up is grieving a loss. Do you immediately get over a death? No way. There is the shock period, then the sadness period, then the angry period then the loss period. All of those emotions and feelings are natural. The thing to remember is not to "wallow" in it. It is good to talk about it and get it out, but when you go around verbally bashing your ex and exposing him for the sorry sack of shit that he is (when most of the time, all of the things you are saying are TRUE!) it just makes you look bitter, which you may be, but there are times in life when we must "fake it til you got it" I believe that this instance is one of those times.

Vent to your friends, but be prepared for them to get tired of it after about three boozing and bashing sessions. It is hard to be on the receiving end of hearing a friend be so hurt. For that reason, a lot of times I find myself at a loss and I feel so helpless. You don't know what to say to make that person feel better and even if you offer advice, it takes people understanding things on their own for reality to really sink in. The best you can do is vent to friends, and in return, your friends should lend an ear, just listen. I have found that most of the time when I vent, I talk my way through to a solution, so just having someone to be a sounding board is great.

Thirdly, get back to you. It is my experience, when dealing with a break up, I rarely act like "myself". I turn into a crazed psycho girl who cries and pitches fits and compulsively works out and eats lots of junk food...there is no happy medium to my personality..it is pretty much 100 % bitchiness for a while. That is alright..allow yourself some time to act out within reason the things that you are feeling, but set a date. After my last break up, I wallowed and cried. Then I took myself out of my element. I went home for a weekend and let the air in my apartment and life neutralize itself. I allowed myself to wallow that whole weekend at home, discussing things at length with my parents, having that one last cry. On my drive back to Atlanta, I sang my heart out to ever sad break up song and punched the steering wheel to every hateful hurtful I HATE YOU song and as I pulled into my apartment, I sat in my car and took a deep breath and let it all out. I set a time limit for myself and decided it is okay to be sad after this, but I AM NOT going to wallow anymore, I am not going to obsess about things, I am really not even going to talk about it anymore...It is time to start moving in a different direction and that is what I did. I think it was a posative thing for me and a very healthy way to deal with things. That is not to say that sometimes I don't have bad days, it is just saying that a change in attitude as a whole is much needed and welcomed by all who care about you.

Here I Go AGAIN on my Own

So, you've been dumped (or the dumper, either way, it is hard) and you've wallowed and you've picked up the rotting pieces, so now you have to go about putting them back together. I will tell you this, do it for yourself and YOURSELF ONLY and do it on your own. Don't put yourself in a "rebound" situation where you are depending on someone else to pull you out of your rut. That is definately not healthy. In the end, you will find much strenghth in knowing that you did it all by yourself.

What you must start by doing is getting back to the old you. Indulge yourself in things that make you happy, things that maybe you haven't done in a long time...post break up for me, I found myself indulging in icecream sandwiches (which can take the place of a man ANY DAY in my book!) and running and creating artwork and keeping a journal. Those are all things that I had not done in so long but things that used to be a huge part of my life...Icecream sandwiches included! It really felt like I was getting back to the "old me" but more importantly it felt like the better "old me"...the "old me" that was young and ambitious and lacked some of the emotional baggage I have now...and that feels good.

There are many ways to do this. Try calling up an old friend that you haven't talked to in a long time...someone from your past that makes you feel good and brings back great memories for you (just don't download the break up on them...please!) or rent a great old love story (Gone with the Wind is always on my post breakup play list) to remember how true love SHOULD be...and I am a big fan of cozing up with a great self help book, but don't choose one on relationships, choose one on something like yoga or balancing your check book (yeah I skipped that one! ) or gay best friends or something super super happy! There are tons of "Modern Girls Guide To" books that I love. Also, get into something new. I refound my new obsession for stationary...yes I love it. I am not going old school like Lisa Frank, but some cutesy little note cards that you can send your friends to let them know you care about them and miss them. Honestly, who doesn't like to receive non-bill mail? Thinking about the little things in life helps keep us from being over whelmed by the big picture. It is important that when you are feeling blue, do good things for others, taking the focus off of YOU and putting in on those who are worthy of investing time and care and concern into. It is a great healthy way to boost your morale!

Jump in Head First

Before hitting the relationship streets again, really take some time to analyze the previous relationship before starting anew. If you can't find any clarity to it, then chances are it is not time to start moving on. I am definately not saying that you have to wait until every detail has closure, because believe me when I say, I have dated some nutcases and if I waited until I figured out all of the problems in those relationships (which were innumberable and would require a lifetime of pondering and far fetched excuses) I would die an old maid! Just wait until you can bring the major issues of the relationship to a state of closure and peace and then start creaping towards the starting line of love again...I take the side of the tortoise not the hare...but recovery time is different for each person. For example, if you get out of a relationship that has "been over for a while" before the official "over" then I think naturally the recovery time is shorter. In that case, you have been slowly grieving along the way, just waiting for the ding of the final bell declaring it a loss. Naturally, if the break up comes from somewhere over in left field, chances are, recovery time will be a bit longer and more difficult.

Tell yourself over and over again, it didn't work out this time, there is no room for Round #2, or worse Round #3. Things work and they don't. Sometimes it is timing, and I think those instances are apparent, but don't find yourself in the pit of despair and loneliness and start longing to open that door that you just closed. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is close a door and not peek through the key hole or long for times when the grass seemed greener. I think Joe Firstman puts it best in his song entitled "PRETTY THINGS" when he says
"I've been reading all the letters that your wrote me, All the fairy tales you sold me, And all the pretty things you said. Can't stop thinking bout the way that you controlled me, Now you wish you'd never known me, Now I wish you'd come and hold me. I've been sleeping in the places where you left me, do you regret me? Did you forget me? Can't stop thinking 'bout the way that you controlled me, Now you wish you'd never known me, Oh how I wish you'd come and hold me, hold me, hold me. Hold me, Like you told me."

Sometimes we remember the good things and don't pay attention to the fact that it wasn't working out. I think Joe Firstman lays it out masterfully in these lyrics as he cynically remembers all the "fairy tales" and how controlling she was but he still feels that loss and that is something that we all feel in these moments. The key is to do as the old addage says "take the good with the bad" and try to objectively look at the relationship. When you do, you should, in time, see the big picture, all of the good and bad of it. Remembering those things and learning from them is the one thing that will make the heartbreak worth while. It is similar to someone dying for a cause, if we don't take note of the fact that there is a point for that person's death, then their life and death was a waste. I think God meant to put an 11th commandment that says DON'T BE WASTEFUL and I am applying it here, I will speak to him about adding it in some type of appendix...

I close in saying this. Today while in my car, I was behind a minivan with a bumper sticker that said "Who Would Jesus Bomb" and in light of thinking about this blog, my first response was ABOUT 18 OF MY EX BOYFRIENDS! It is okay to still fell some angst and not look back so lovingly on the past, but it is important to remember that both time and life march on. Don't be left behind, especially for someone that God placed and then removed from your life for a REASON!