The Scarry Scarry D word

The Scary Scary D Word

Okay so the thing is this. I was talking to one of my girlfriends the other day about dating. Yes, the scary scary D word. I found myself listening and thinking, is she talking about Dating or getting her foot cut off with a dull chain saw? Damn. No one is immune to bad dates or crappy mates, but one thing I have learned is that dating can be fun and it really is a necessary part of finding your soul mate.

Things in life worth doing are worth the risks associated. In the workplace, those who work high risk jobs are doing just that, putting themselves at high risk, but they are also getting paid quadruple what the rest of us are. To me, dating is worth the risk. Sometimes it is very intimidating to put yourself out there, but honestly, I have had some of the best and worst of times dating and I have also made life long friends. It is foolish to think that every date is going to go smoothly and that all will be successful. Dating is a process of trial and error. There are some important things one should keep in mind.

IS HE HOTT?

First of all, I am of the opinion that .00001% of Earth's population is what I consider universally attractive. I define universally attractive as a person who, no matter ones preferences and type as it is deemed, is considered a person that is attractive to every person on the planet. I am guessing you want examples. I would say that Jessica Alba, Eva Mendez and Heidi Klum all fit in this category. For the rest of the human populous, beauty and attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder. None of us commoners should be foolish enough to think that we are every guys type. For example, I can not be offended if I go out with a guy who has (what I consider questionable) a history of dating blondes. He is obviously more attracted to blondes. I am not his type. That is OKAY. The street runs both ways. There are qualities and attributes that I will think are attractive that he does not have. I struggled with this problem for a long time. My feelings were hurt and I was offended if a guy didnt like me or think I was attractive. It wasnt until I was discussing it with my girlfriend Selena one day that I really grasped hold of the concept. Once you get it down, I swear, it is like a great big breath of fresh air. No competition between girls, no insecurity because when you find the guy who thinks you are the epitome of his type, all others do not exist in his eye. Simple as that.

Also, be open to different types. Lord knows I have dated them all and it is not until now that I am defining my type but not in physical terms. I have found that the lasting attraction to someone is everything that draws you to them, OTHER than the physical attraction. Sure it has to be there and sure it is important, but for me, I find a sense of humor INCREDIBLY attractive. I find a guy who is my witty equal attractive. I find a guy who is into music very attractive. I find a guy who is into cooking EXTREMELY attractive and I find a guy who is well rounded, a chameleon of sorts, to be super attractive as well. My advice is to find someone who physically does it for you and then forget about that aspect. He's got it, okay, now move on to the more lasting aspects of attraction.

WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? (So not what you think!)

Deciding on what to do on dates is all the fun of it. Who wouldnt get bored (AND NOT TO MENTION FAT!) going out to a routine dinner and then to the closest pub to down beers in efforts to shrug off awkward conversation moments. Especially if this is a first date situation, I would suggest going somewhere that has a lot of action. Movies are not good first dates. There is no time for conversation really and frankly, there is no time to get close if the chemistry is there. There is no opportunity to show any personality except in choosing your sin of a snack in the concession line. Movies are a no go. Bars, well bars can be a no go too. Sure it is the easiest and most typical situation, but honestly, for a first date, negative on the bar scene. When you head out to the bars for the first date there is the usual excessively loud music, drunken idiots and tendency and temptation when you are there to drink more than you normally would to calm the nervousness. Not a good plan to puke on the first date. I say hold off until at least the second.

So now you are asking me where the hell you should go since I just exposed the aces under your sleeves. Well, the most memorable dates I have had the pleasure of attending are some of the most simple and most creative. You may think you do not have a creative bone in your body, but oh contraire, you just have to put that thinking toboggan on and get the wheels turning. A while back I was watching an episode of Number One Single, voyerizing the dating life of one Lisa Loeb. In one episode in particular, she met a guy for dinner and afterwards they discussed a second date. He brought up the "dot.com special", as my boss likes to refer to it; the idea of errand dating. What preytel is errand dating? Well, errand dating is inviting a date along during the day so that you can both do your errands together. I was rather fond of the notion, seeing as though I run my errands in sweats (which knocks out the endless hours of trying to find a scandalous outfit!) and in the end, even if the date goes sour, you have still accomplished something other than eating a fatty meal and getting sloshed and telling your date how crappy he is. Ah yes, the beauties of the modern dating scene. Now I personally have not gone on an errand date and called it as much, but I have taken tag alongs and even tagged along with guys who were headed to the market or grocery store or had to pick up something at the mall. I must say that I rather enjoyed it. It is very inexpensive, unless you bill your time by the hour, and it is very low key and relaxed. A second alternative is doing something like at a local restaurant here in Atlanta where you can go in and make pottery while you dine. This gives you a chance to chat and get close on that pottery wheel while also eating dinner. It gives you a chance to show a creative side that sometimes conversation can hide on a first date. I think this is an award winning idea, honestly I do. A third alternative is a sporting event. Alright ladies, before you start chunking the tomatoes at me, think about it. It is easy here in Atlanta, you have the Bravos (who suck right now but are super hott to watch!) and soon when football gets into full swing there are the Falcons and the college football teams as well as hockey and for Christ sake, they even have those Derby Dolls who practically annihilate each other on roller skates. To me, there is nothing better than a night out at Turner Field with a $15 beer and a $25 Georgia Dog and hott boys in baseball pants. Is it really that bad? I think it is great, and you can take lots of pictures that turn out awesome and there are tons of people watching. The games are very interactive with such crowd inviting activities as theme nights and the beloved Kiss Cam which have sparked many a interesting conversation (such as "If you are on the kiss cam and you are sitting beside your sister, do you kiss her?"). I would say to do something that is inherit of the city in which you reside. Do something that is very New York or very Atlanta. Make strong lasting memories of the places you are living and visiting.

SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?

Alright, so lastly, lets take this stallion head on (No puns intended). At the end of the night, you have had a great time and you are super attracted and things are going right, and maybe you have had a slight make out session along the way (as I am quite fond of!) and it comes to the end of the night and you are wondering if it is okay to take it to the next level. The answer is a flat out NO. It is better to hold off. Check out the benefits.

Firstly, leave some mystery. Honestly, how many times has your great grandmother told you this and you are like Dang, that lady hasnt gotten laid in YEARS. She is so unhappy that she wants me to suffer too. Well, that actually is not the case. Sex is something that complicates things. Especially in the infancy stage of a relationship, you can be led to believe things are different from what they are in reality (this goes for guys and girls alike). We all know it is not at all kosher to have sex with a two month old, so treat your relationship like a child. I am not saying to wait until you are whatever age you deemed appropriate to sleep with someone for the first time, I am just saying that nature is our teacher here. We as people do not mature sexually for many years and there is a reason for that. We are unable to deal with the emotional effects of a sexual relationship as well as the physical at such a young age. Relationships work that way too. When you are getting to know someone and what I like to call "learning" them, you cant be distracted by the physical.

Secondly, dont add an unnecessary number to your HAVE DONE LIST. ( P.S.- I think it is healthy to keep TO DO lists. Mine includes Marcus Giles, David Beckham, Nick Lachey, etc.) For women, especially, and there is the occasional .1f men who actually feel bad about being in sexual relationships that go no where, ones that are one nighters or dead end streets. Why even set yourself up for that? Also, later down the line, when you find the person that you want to be with forever, you dont want to have to come clean (which you should come clean and be completely honest) about a shady sexual history in which you slept with every guy you dated from high school to college. That is just too much. I have reached the age where I am finding the person I want to be with forever and all of those special times I have wasted on low-life jerks makes me sad because I want to just bundle up those special moments and take them all back and share them with someone who is really deserving. Lord knows, I know it is hard to keep it locked up, and I am not saying that, but what I am saying is be choosy. There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing prude about that. To put it in terms that a guy will understand, let him know that the situations were different; he wouldnt want you to sleep with someone that you werent sure you cared about. Bottom line is that to the person you will be with forever, your sexual history can be a source of contempt and hurt. Try to keep the numbers to a minimum.


ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END

Finally, dont be discouraged about dating. My mom always tells me, if every relationship you were in worked out, you would still be with the first person you ever dated (One of the scariest thoughts imaginable!). When you think of it in those terms, dating is a learning experience and should not be a source of anxiety or angst. Dating is fun. Say it with me DATING IS FUN. Now get those engines running. On your mark. Get set. GO DATE! Remember, to kiss many toads makes finding the prince much sweeter (and you will have lots of make out experience to boot!)