How to Argue and Win Every Time

How to Argue and Win Every Time Current mood: enlightened

So, as history has proven, I am not exactly the best at resovling or dealing with conflicts. Conflicts seem to be things that each of us deal with at some points in our life on a daily basis.

As a self-professed "self help" junkie, and in an effort to learn to effectively deal with conflict, I recently made the best purchase on the subject. I began reading a book by Gerry Spence entitiled How to Argue and Win Every Time....Now some may think this a vain title and even that I in vanity chose this book in order to win arguements, which would be inaccurate. A little background should clear the confusion.

Gerry Spence is/was (not sure of his current employment status...I hope he is still writing amazing self help books, personally!) a small town lawyer. Now in reading some of his materials, it is apparent that he is anti-corporations and big business, embracing more of a small town mentality, but nonetheless, his advice and reasoning is sound, appearingly accurate and unbelieveably helpful.

I only want to bring out some of the highlights, as I am in the midst of devouring the book, but I just couldn't wait to share the wealth of knowledge I am acquring from it!

WHAT IS WINNING?

It seems the definition of winning, when it comes to an argument, is getting the OTHER to surrender to your demands, desires or point of view completely. Mr. Spence makes it a point to show that there are other ways to define "winning" and by realizing that, you can come closer to the realization of your goals entering the argument. Pre-showdown, it is important to think about what you want to gain as a result of the conflict resolution. What do you want the end result to be. It is not necessarily a surrender of the OTHERS complete case, it could be more along the lines of compromise, which is where I find myself most times. Often compromise is a more admirable and easily attainable goal than complete surrender, something definatley valuable to keep in mind.

PUTTING YOUR GAME FACE ON...

In the book, Mr. Spence pays significant attention to body language and facial expressions with regard to argument and conflict resolution. The face you portray in battle defines a lot about your intentions, your faults in the arguement and your insecurities. I am sure you are aware of the power of a smile but it is important to identify the reasoning behind your smile. Are you smiling because you have a "secret weapon" that will blow the arguement to smitherines? Are you smirking more than smiling? Are you frowning? Are you completely blank? All of these facial expressions can have an effect on the tone and eventually the end result of an argument. Coming in with a warm caring smile and a posative attitude will always win you points before the war even begins rather than walking in as a sourpuss!

IDENTIFYING THE OTHER...

Mr. Spence spends a lot of time talking about the importance of preparation in dealing with an argument. Irrationality general leads to very little posative and lasting solutions. It is important to prepare for an argument and one important preparation is to identify the OTHER. Instead of issuing blanket attacks, being more poinant and specific can help in first, identifying the problem and secondly in which direction solution should be concentrated. Identifying the nature, stature and the reason the OTHER comes to battle can be valuable materials that can help form a solid argument. It is kind of like understanding the enemy. If you can possibly put yourself in their shoes, I should dare say you will be a leg up in the arguement.

STEPS IN THE PROCESS

It is also important to map out the steps in the process of conflict resolution from the beginning....like having a game plan. Educating ones self on the levels and progression of conflict resolution is invaluable, because never at any point can that person be misdirected in raising concerns. Mr. Spence, being the anti-corporate camp, speaks very boldly about the responsiveness to conflict of the heiarchy of corporations. I understand it this way. The heads of corporations are the boss for a reason. They do not seek out problems to solve and to a certain point, choose which to deal with, among the ones that actually reach their desks. The reason there are many reasons why the boss is the boss and the people below him are...below him. It is the job of those below to filter through problems and the majority of the problems which actually do make it to the big boss's desk deal with loss/gain of profit.

That being said, if one wants his concerns to be heard by the uper echolon of the corporation, he must find a way to directly relate his concerns to a gain/loss of profits. It is kind of a tricky situation, because you don't want to appear as a source of profit loss, so wording is of the utmost importance.

EXPRESSING YOUR FEAR IS A POWER MOVE...

Although it may not appear that way, coming to the table in an argument and expressing your fears in what you have to lose is a definate power move. Laying on the table the stakes is not a sign of weakness, it is a strategy that proves one's confidence and establishes one's intent in an arguement. For example, if one were on the verge of losing one's job, one might come to the table and say something to this effect:

" I come to this discussion fearful of losing my job. I take pride in my work and have previously never had a situation where my job was in jeopardy and I don't intend to start now. I come to the table in pursuit of a resolution of this conflict and won't leave until the problem is solved."

By making this statement, one establishes his reason for being there, what he has invested and his determination and willingness to cooperate in finding a resolution. It is pretty much the key to success and definately sets the tone for discussions.

So, I hope that all of this information will prove as a useful tool in gaining perspective in your conflict or argument and the resolution of the same. I will continue to add to this blog as I discovery more useful tips. I think the book is a great reference material to keep around the house.