After the success of my first blog on my family’s Southern vocabulary, I decided to open the table for discussion, entries and inspiration during my Thanksgiving break at home. It was quite the entertaining conversation recalling all of the quirky phrases that are more than common place in my home and I have now officially decided that anyone who comes to visit must read both lists in order to keep up in conversation. So really, as embarrassing as it may be, it is my duty. No self respecting Southern woman would treat a house guest without the utmost respect, so out of my southern graces, I give you this second list.
1. Dob- the process of applying Noxema to your face
SENTENCE: Bub, you just need to dob the Noxema directly on the zits.
My father coined this word during my brother’s pubescent phase of life. He was constantly on him about having good skin. Apparently that trickled down to me and my sister and to this day, a pump of Noxema can be found in my sister’s shower. Noxema is not just a product, it is a way of life.
2. Grandma Grace- your imaginary grandmother whose sole job was to maintain your seat should you decide to get up. You can reclaim your seat at any time, as long as you have asked Grandma Grace to save it. Grandma Grace has the ability to save your seat for hours, days, weeks and months
SENTENCE: I have got to go to the bathroom. Grandma Grace save my place.
Yes, good old Grandma Grace. I believe that it was my brother who introduced my sister and me to Grandma Grace. Grandma Grace has held every seat in and out of my house, car and wherever else we found ourselves as kids. The thing that always bugged me about Grandma Grace is that you can never dispute her. And I believe the rules did state that it was the honor code on whether you called upon Grandma Grace or not before you got up. She is a fair and just lady.
3. The Red Plate- a “special” red plate that one is only allowed to eat on in special occasions such as birthdays, good grades, hard days and anniversaries. The plate was rimmed in the words “YOU ARE SPECIAL”.
SENTENCE: Since today is your birthday, you get to eat off the Red Plate tonight.
The Red Plate was a prize, oh yes it was, or was it? It let all of the people at the table, a.k.a your family that spends day in and day out with you anyway, that it was your birthday (in case they forgot!) or that you made an A on your spelling test or that you had a really hard day. Somehow the pork and bean stuff looked a lot better on that red plate.
4. stinkerbell- the generic name given to any perfume
SENTENCE: Okay, we’re in the car and somebody sprayed the stinkerbell.
Stinkerbell. The term originated from a perfume that little girls wear, or wore back in my day, called “Tinkerbell”, which smelled like a mixture of cat pee and steamed broccoli. It was an awful odor and it drove my father crazy, especially when someone applied it while in the car. From then on, any lotion, perfume or body splash, no matter how inviting, was forever labeled “stinkerbell”.
5. trolls- children
SENTENCE: Yeah I am out running errands today with the trolls.
It just sounds bad, but my sister and I found it endearing. It was always good for a hearty laugh, plus, at a young age, my sister and I did resemble trolls, so I guess it was fitting.
6. briars- eyebrows
SENTENCE: I need to get to that mirror with good light so I can pluck my briars.
Yes, this is southern dialect at its finest. This is a term frequently used by Granny when speaking of the way she religiously plucked her eyebrows each morning, and I do mean EACH MORNING.
7. “Stranded… (sing the song)”- This was usually preceded by the following conversation:
“Mom, I am out of toilet paper, can you bring me some?” say I.
“You gotta sing the song.” she replied.
“But Mom I am serious. I am not singing that song.”
“ Well then you don’t get the paper.”
And the song went like this:
Stranded, Stranded on the toilet bowl.
What do you do when you’re stranded,
And you don’t have a roll.
You must prove you’re a man,
You must wipe with your hand.
Stranded, Stranded on the toilet bowl.
Yes this is a sick form of torture. The last thing you want when you are out of toilet paper is to have to sing some idiotic song just to EARN your new role. I soon began checking the status of the toilet paper before I even ascended the throne. The only times I got caught were emergencies. The worst is when I found myself in a public restroom with no toilet paper and asked my mom to pass some under the stall. You guessed it, she made me sing it. Torture and Humiliation, I tell you. Torture and Humiliation.
8. fandangos- the over sized bucked teeth that run on my dad’s side of the family.
SENTENCE: Have you brushed those fandangos today?
The curse of the fandangos was inescapable for me and my sister. We were cursed with the biggest buckiest front teeth in the history of Alabama. I believe we got an extra dollar (yes a whole extra DOLLAR) from the tooth fairy when those two front ones came out. It was a blessed day in the Stephenson household when my mother went to work for a dentist. That enabled us to get our fandangos fixed and now we have beautifully straightened oversized teeth. When I was little, I stretched the truth a bit and told myself that a lot of models have big teeth and that made me feel better.
9. big quarter- a 25 cent piece, not two dimes and a nickel or five nickels
SENTENCE: No Daddy, I need a big quarter.
A childhood blunder, but so cute and sincere. My sister, before she realized that there were more avenues to twenty-five cents other than a quarter, when given two dimes and a nickel requested that she exchange it for a “big quarter”. Of course, now that her mental math capabilities are professional grade, she no longer relies on the big quarter philosophy in life.
10. tissy- a fuss
SENTENCE: You have just worked yourself into a tissy over nothing.
A some-what common Southern term that was and still is frequently used in our household. I believe it was more frequently used when my and my sister’s college careers overlapped, because I think one or the both of us called my mother in a “tissy” every day.
11. Lemonsine, Barracuda- the names given to two of my father’s cars.
SENTENCE: That old Lemonsine was nice, but this new Barracuda is a smooth ride.
I believe that the Lemonsine was named accordingly due to the fact that it was a lemon color, but also because as I recall, it was always broken. The Barracuda was a spawn of Granny’s lack of memory on what kind of car my father had just bought. I believe it was a Baretta but she was a little confused and called it a “barracuda”.
12. Indian Spirits (sometimes known as just “the spirits”)- somewhat of a haunting smell; an air freshener that not only cancelled out any smell in an 18 mile radius of where it was sprayed, it also doubled as a murder weapon that was capable of suffocating the victim to death
SENTENCE: Who just got out of the bathroom and forgot to spray the spirits?
Brutal. This “air freshener” when sprayed evoked a spiritual experience because you were sure that you would rather leave this life than endure the wrath of the spirits. I think it did more to pollute the air than freshen it. I believe that there were several times I was rendered unconscious by suffocation by the “haunting” aroma of the spirits.
13. Cantada- a fancy word for a church Christmas musical, includes singing and spoken word
SENTENCE: Did you hear my new practice tape for our Christmas Cantada?
Yes, I heard the tape on the only tape player left in America. It is the same tape I swear I have been listening to for the past 25 years, but my father swears differently. I never had the heart to tell him that I did look forward to the Christmas Cantada every year only because that was one Sunday that I could count on not having a long winded sermon to color and pass notes through. I have not attended the annual Christmas Cantada in several years, but I am not sure that I am sad about that.
14. deet deeter- noun that can describe either a cashier or the cash register itself.
SENTENCE: I will be the customer and you be the deet deeter.
Funny, how when you are little, imaginations run wild and you somehow desire to be the “deet deeter” at every store you go to. My sister and I, as I look at it now, made admirably attainable goals as children, since we wanted to grow up and be a deet deeter, and I should say we have well surpassed our goals.
15. hogly wogly- code word for the local grocery chain called Piggly Wiggly
SENTENCE: I am just going to run down to the hogly wogly and pick up some eggs.
We had to humor ourselves somehow, after all, we were raised in L.A. As a matter of fact, I was (and believe I still am) in the super saver club at Piggly Wiggly.
16. barhonica- harmonica
SENTENCE: Mommy, I want a barhonica for Christmas.
My adult dyslexia apparently showed warning signs as a child. I thought the enchanting sounds that came out of that barhonica was the sweetest sound I had ever heard. Even now, I still have an ear for blue grass every now and again.
17. hike your duke- the act of getting into a car, or any elevated location
SENTENCE: That truck is really high off the ground, I am not sure I can hike my duke up there.
Yes, you read that right. This came from my mother. I am not sure where she picked it up or if her sick sense of humor manifested this phrase, but it is grotesque and vulgar and quite the conversation piece.
So when you coming over for dinner? I suggest you spend quality time looking over this and the previous list, we expect our dinner guests to not only show up for dinner but have a good conversation on hand.
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