A little BIG thing I have learned about Karma
So, two blogs in one day....Lord only knows what you might be thinking, but the recent Thanksgiving holiday, coupled with a few sick days at home has given me lots of topics and nothing but time on my hands to contemplate them.
In the previously alluded to conversation in which my sister and I solved the world's problems, we also talked a lot about character and Karma. My sister being a firm believer in Karma, as am myself and many of my friends and family, it is apparently a reoccuring theme in my life and hers as well.
You see, Karma has always existed in our lives, but before, we were not conscious of it and its effects. Karma is something that is only of use and benefit to us if we are aware of it and acknowledge it. I wish I had my wonderful book on hand, Deepok Chopara's book entitled THE SEVEN SPIRITUAL LAWS OF SUCCESS in which he does an amazing job of clearing up any gray areas one might have regarding karma.
My definition, as I understand Karma, is that karma is the equal reciprocate of actions that one commits, good or bad. That being said, simple "mental math" tells us that good karma yields good karma and bad karma yields bad karma. Simple as pie, right? Well, that is the thing, you can define karma in Webster's or mathematical terms but I prefer to give you a definition that shows, as well as tells you, exactly what is Karma .
When I was in high school, shamefully enough to admit, I wasn't the nicest person. Whatever excuses I may drum up in my head, there really is no excuse in life for just plain not being nice. There was one kid in school, names withheld to protect the innocent( though if I thought it kosher, I would announce his name as well as a big fat apology on the biggest billboard I could find!), who I was particularly not nice towards. I don't really think of myself as a bully, for I myself was a victim of many cruel jokes, rumors, etc. but I was, without rhyme or reason, just plain not nice to this kid. I made fun of him, so did others, but I am taking blame for myself here. Pretty much, I in company of others, were responsible for making this kid seem as though he was different, that he wasn't a part of our crowd or any crowd, for that matter. As the weary years of high school progressed, the teasing became more frequent, and then my senior year, it kind of stopped. I had been going through my own personal trials and tribulations, as had everyone else, and when senior year came around, it was apparent that many things had changed. This kid, he had changed alright. He came to school with a new lease on life, and everyone wondered what had gotten into him. We all knew his parents were going through divorce, which although I cannot empathize, I try my best to sympathize, and that was about all we knew. Our life changing senior English class taught by the lifechanging Ms. Virgina Stallings did wonders for us all, and one day, after we had all broken the ice and gotten to know each other for what seemed like the first time, this one kid, in his own way set himself free, he told our class that he was gay (As to my current knowledge, I believe he still is..)
Over the years, the guilt of what I had done, or what I thought I had done to this guy has mounted. I wondered if it were me that had pushed him just an inch closer in this direction. Who knows. The debate of nature v. nurture in this situation is a hot ticket, but the fate of this kid has weighed heavy on my mind. And this is where karma rears his head..
Insert illustrations of your choice here...
You see, in my life, God has allowed me to become kindred spirits with one of the strongest most amazing men I know, who just so happens to be gay. I love Jonathan with all of my heart. I truly abound with his spirit and strenghth in my life. Jonathan has taught me things and shown me character more than almost any person I could ever hope to love in my life. He has shown me the struggles and downs and he has rejoiced with me on mountaintops...I love him with all of my heart and soul and no one other than he and I will know the kindred bond we have with each other. My sister explains it this way, that there are a select few of your friends that you are willing to lay down your life for, that you are willing to sacrifice any personal gain to see that person succeed, a person from which comfort and love flows like the juice out of the middle of a piece of Freshen Up gum..I mean, the person that you love more than life itself, and for me, that is Jonathan.
Now you may be asking, but Lauren, you were mean to a boy and karma gave you a gay best friend? That doesn't sound right. Well, dear reader, are correct. You see, the irony in karma is that although I was given a soul mate in Jonathan, I also have to live with every bit of criticism he endures for the remainder of his life. I hear every judgment, condemnation and hateful remark people make about him and his lifestyle. Although I can and do defend my beloved Jonathan to the bitter end, it is always there. The sting that words can have, the sting that I inflicted on that kid in highschool, it is always there. In ways, karma is more than repayed me. I can readily handle criticisms of myself, but what hurts the most is when people criticize the ones that you love.
It is truly heartbreaking what karma does to people, but there is always a "silver lining" as my sister will have it. My silver lining is the joy, life and love that Jonathan brings to my life. My joy is in his successes and accomplishments (which he is at the top of his class right now, I will have you know!). Please let this tale be a word to those who are old as well as those who are young. You reap what you sow and that is why it is important to share my story in hopes that others will be aware of the effects that each and every action stands to have on our future lives.
Showing posts with label gay. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gay. Show all posts
Thursday, December 7, 2006
Wednesday, December 6, 2006
An Amy Chaser
Before I say what I am about to say, I don't want to hear any sound effects. I don't want to hear the countless number of you who feel as though I am a complete social outcast because I am JUST seeing this movie...To me, movies speak to you and they speak to you differently at different times in your life...for me, it was time to see this movie...the right time for me...
So yesterday at Blockbuster I found myself wondering aimlessly trying to find a couple of movies to keep me company for the next couple of nights. I couldn't really determine what genre movie I wanted to see, so I pretty much scowered every cover in the store. I suddenly remembered that I had always heard about this movie CHASING AMY and long story short, picked it up. Now, not knowing what was in store for me and not being a big Ben Afflick fan AND the fact that Jay and Silent Bob are in this movie, I had serious doubts whether it would become the instant classic so many had spoken it to be. Even in the opening scenes, we learn that Holden and Company are all comic book writers, which again, lost my interest for a time....but as the story developed slowly, I gradually found myself more and more intrigued.
For the rest of you social movie outkasts that haven't seen this one either, here is the brief synopsis. Holden, main character, falls in love with girl, Alyssa, who just happens to be gay. After much time spent together, Alyssa falls in love with Holden as well. The relationship is going good, other than the fact that his best friend and new girlfriend are not getting along. Best friend introduces girlfriend's past. Holden is disturbed and can't get over the things she has done. In the end, he loses Alyssa and his best friend over his suggestion that they all have a threesome, which he believes will solve all of their problems.
That being said, and being said in such a dull and matter of fact way, you might be wondering why I
#1 chose to bring the movie up?
#2 even like the movie at all?
#3 what the hell did I get out of the movie?
Well it goes something like this. There is a scene in the movie where Alyssa and Holden are talking about her past...apparently she was very premiscuous and Holden was previously unaware. He believed his vessel was the first that had sailed into her port..if you get what I am saying. So Holden, being relatively unexperienced, begins to feel inadequate. He ASSUMES that Alyssa wants all of the freaky kinky things that he had heard of her past. The truth is, and Alyssa does a wonderful job of explaining it, that Holden may feel inadequate but the point is, she has done all of those things and has seen the bad that has come of them and she doesn't want that anymore. She is past all of that...but Holden pushes the idea of a threesome with her because he thinks it will bring him up to her experience level. All Holden did was insult her and hurt her feelings by even insuating that he would be willing, if not excited, to share her with someone else, because she would not be willing to do the same. She also forsees the destruction of the relationship with his best friend, whom Holden invited to join the threesome as well. The thing that is so important about this is that just because someone has a past, doesn't mean it is something they want to or are willing to relive. Alyssa did not regret the things she had done, she learned from them and in doing so, was ready to move past that point. For me, in the past I have seen someone's past as a high jump that was unrealistic for my shallow shortcomings, but now I realize that when a person reaches a point in his/her life where they are ready to put the past behind them and move forward, then who am I to keep regurgitating it?
Second and probably the most important point of the movie is this, the decisions and experiences people come to in life on their "own terms" as Alyssa puts it, are the decisions that are defining. For example, Alyssa explains her past not as being used or tricked into the situations she was in, guys and even girls did not take advantage of her, she was the one who was in control. She was the one who was experimenting. She did not choose to be with a man because society told her so, she let love guide her and as such, she fell in love with women as well. But she came to a point as a lesbian woman where she was missing the whole point of why she opened herself to the idea of women in the first place, and that was to not limit love. As such, when she finally came to terms with the fact that she loved Holden, upon catching much hell from her lesbian friends, she stood for what she believed, and that is Love is love. She came to Holden on her "own terms". Although it happened to be what society deemed normal and standard, to her, she was just following her heart. In life, that is most important. Self discovery and discovering one's true self is the cornerstone upon which the idea of life is built upon. By limiting one's self to societal standards, whether it be in sexual preference, fashion, morals, etc. we rob ourselves the chance to truly learn and experience life lessons on our own. Alyssa said that she had come to her and Holden's relationship on her "own terms" and that is why she was comfortable with it and I think it helped her defend it to her friends who criticized her for dating a man.
Thirdly, I think the movie wants its viewers to consider the consequences of what damage can potentially be done to relationships and lives when those from our past are unwilling to let go of it and leave no room for change. Laryn Hill says "Anything that is not changing is dead", and believing this, I ask that people be a bit more forgiving of one's past transgressions and leave room for people to change and grow up. Sure in life, we want to be remebered for the things we have done (at lease some of the things we have done! Who gets censorship rights on that?) but learning to be less willing to recall the transgressions of someone's past and to look back at them with the knowledge and wisdom life has afforded us now will bring new perspective on who those people really were and are today.
I would suggest that everyone watch Chasing Amy. I would be interested to see what message the movie sends to others. If you want to add anything...please do so.
So yesterday at Blockbuster I found myself wondering aimlessly trying to find a couple of movies to keep me company for the next couple of nights. I couldn't really determine what genre movie I wanted to see, so I pretty much scowered every cover in the store. I suddenly remembered that I had always heard about this movie CHASING AMY and long story short, picked it up. Now, not knowing what was in store for me and not being a big Ben Afflick fan AND the fact that Jay and Silent Bob are in this movie, I had serious doubts whether it would become the instant classic so many had spoken it to be. Even in the opening scenes, we learn that Holden and Company are all comic book writers, which again, lost my interest for a time....but as the story developed slowly, I gradually found myself more and more intrigued.
For the rest of you social movie outkasts that haven't seen this one either, here is the brief synopsis. Holden, main character, falls in love with girl, Alyssa, who just happens to be gay. After much time spent together, Alyssa falls in love with Holden as well. The relationship is going good, other than the fact that his best friend and new girlfriend are not getting along. Best friend introduces girlfriend's past. Holden is disturbed and can't get over the things she has done. In the end, he loses Alyssa and his best friend over his suggestion that they all have a threesome, which he believes will solve all of their problems.
That being said, and being said in such a dull and matter of fact way, you might be wondering why I
#1 chose to bring the movie up?
#2 even like the movie at all?
#3 what the hell did I get out of the movie?
Well it goes something like this. There is a scene in the movie where Alyssa and Holden are talking about her past...apparently she was very premiscuous and Holden was previously unaware. He believed his vessel was the first that had sailed into her port..if you get what I am saying. So Holden, being relatively unexperienced, begins to feel inadequate. He ASSUMES that Alyssa wants all of the freaky kinky things that he had heard of her past. The truth is, and Alyssa does a wonderful job of explaining it, that Holden may feel inadequate but the point is, she has done all of those things and has seen the bad that has come of them and she doesn't want that anymore. She is past all of that...but Holden pushes the idea of a threesome with her because he thinks it will bring him up to her experience level. All Holden did was insult her and hurt her feelings by even insuating that he would be willing, if not excited, to share her with someone else, because she would not be willing to do the same. She also forsees the destruction of the relationship with his best friend, whom Holden invited to join the threesome as well. The thing that is so important about this is that just because someone has a past, doesn't mean it is something they want to or are willing to relive. Alyssa did not regret the things she had done, she learned from them and in doing so, was ready to move past that point. For me, in the past I have seen someone's past as a high jump that was unrealistic for my shallow shortcomings, but now I realize that when a person reaches a point in his/her life where they are ready to put the past behind them and move forward, then who am I to keep regurgitating it?
Second and probably the most important point of the movie is this, the decisions and experiences people come to in life on their "own terms" as Alyssa puts it, are the decisions that are defining. For example, Alyssa explains her past not as being used or tricked into the situations she was in, guys and even girls did not take advantage of her, she was the one who was in control. She was the one who was experimenting. She did not choose to be with a man because society told her so, she let love guide her and as such, she fell in love with women as well. But she came to a point as a lesbian woman where she was missing the whole point of why she opened herself to the idea of women in the first place, and that was to not limit love. As such, when she finally came to terms with the fact that she loved Holden, upon catching much hell from her lesbian friends, she stood for what she believed, and that is Love is love. She came to Holden on her "own terms". Although it happened to be what society deemed normal and standard, to her, she was just following her heart. In life, that is most important. Self discovery and discovering one's true self is the cornerstone upon which the idea of life is built upon. By limiting one's self to societal standards, whether it be in sexual preference, fashion, morals, etc. we rob ourselves the chance to truly learn and experience life lessons on our own. Alyssa said that she had come to her and Holden's relationship on her "own terms" and that is why she was comfortable with it and I think it helped her defend it to her friends who criticized her for dating a man.
Thirdly, I think the movie wants its viewers to consider the consequences of what damage can potentially be done to relationships and lives when those from our past are unwilling to let go of it and leave no room for change. Laryn Hill says "Anything that is not changing is dead", and believing this, I ask that people be a bit more forgiving of one's past transgressions and leave room for people to change and grow up. Sure in life, we want to be remebered for the things we have done (at lease some of the things we have done! Who gets censorship rights on that?) but learning to be less willing to recall the transgressions of someone's past and to look back at them with the knowledge and wisdom life has afforded us now will bring new perspective on who those people really were and are today.
I would suggest that everyone watch Chasing Amy. I would be interested to see what message the movie sends to others. If you want to add anything...please do so.
A New Sense of PRIDE
A New Sense of PRIDE... Current mood: Bitter Sweet
I would consider this past weekend one of the most eye opening experiences of my life. I had the great fortune of attending the Atlanta PRIDE celebration with none other than the greatest date ever, Jonathan. Here is a brief summary of our events:
Saturday- attend events at Piedmont Park
- continue the festivities on the Midtown scene at Blakes and Wet Bar
Sunday- recover from Satuday's hangover with screwdrivers at a pre-parade brunch hosted by some of the most fabulous men that God created
- attend the renound Gay Pride Parade in Midtown
So that pretty much gives you a rough sketch of our adventures, now let's venture into the uncharted territory in which I found myself this weekend.
First off, let me say that attending the festival in Piedmont Park was my first of many eye opening experiences of the weekend. When we arrived, I immediately noticed the following:
1. There are many more african american lesbians than I had predicted
2. There are many lesbians that I mistook for gay men.
3. There were some of the most beautiful lesbians and HOTTEST gay men I had ever seen.
As we ventured toward the stage in the park, I saw lesbian women (I affectionately refer to them as dykes) who can throw a football further than any college quarterback I witnessed to date. I also saw women who had no shirt on and had their nipples painted over with a wide array of patterns and colors. This to me was interesting. I also saw all of these people doing what most heterosexual people do, just hanging out...they were sitting in tents watching the performances, throwing frisbees and footballs, talking and socializing with friends...the only thing that separated this from Bonneroo is a slightly less than amazing band lineup, a different sexual preferenc and slightly less drug use. This sparked the wheels turning in my head. I think that most heterosexuals that I know that do not have much interaction with the gay community have a lot of misconceptions. What I learned this weekend was this; Gay people are heterosexuals with an alternative sexual preference...that is all.
Case in point, "Richard". Shortly after leaving the park on Saturday we ventured down to Blake's. Blakes is a gay bar in the heart of Midtown that upon entrace, other than noticing there is an abnormal number of incredibly good looking men, is no different than any Irish pub or "hetero" bar I have ever been to. Upon entrance, pit stop at bathroom, then upstairs to find a great people watching seat, I was approached by the one, the only..."Richard". Now, up until this point, I felt like the little kid with the hot pink sequined dress on at church that everyone walks past and says, "Awe, how cute...she dressed herself.." When Richard came along, I thought that by chance, I had located the one straight man in the entire bar (which I somehow have a habit of doing...strange isn't it?). Richard was the picture of Alabama frat boys on a Gameday...right down to the croakies and New Balance tennis shoes...he had the hair and everything...and when I heard him say, "LETS GET WASTED...WHO WANTS ANOTHER MILLER LITE?" my heart fluttered. Richard was so funny and as we sat and chatted, I just assumed that since he came up to me and struck up a conversation, he was straight. Sadly, I was wrong. Richard began telling me the story of his coming out and I felt my heart sink. This was one of the first times in my life that I have ever felt a spark for a man who I later found out was gay. WOW...this is mind blowing. You always assume that you will be able to tell. You may say to yourself, "Lauren, you were in a gay bar, what did you expect?" And I say to you, things are not always as they seem. The one thing I learned this weekend is this, you've always got to ask. There is a stereotype that all gay men are flaming queens that run around criticizing people's choice in shoes and sprinkling fairy dust on their "Fag Hags" (of which I am PROUD to wear the title. To me, this is a term of endearment and such an Honor...). There is a whole different level to gay men that most people do not take the time to experience. Richard was gay, that is not up for discussion, but do you think that he treated me any less than a lady? He opened car doors for me and bought me drinks at the bar and treated me with nothing less than the utmost of respect. I was so impressed and as I sat and looked at Richard out on the dance floor, my heart sank...why couldn't he just love ME? Why does he have to be gay?
This brings me to my second point. I am now fully convinced, if for some reason I was not before (?), that being gay is genetic. Gay men do not even have the instinctual inclination to look at a girl's boobs or to check out her ass...genetically, the drive is not there. Believe me, I have tried to catch the attention of many gay men, and it is like I get a pat on the head and a "You are so cute". It is so frusterating to me because of the simple fact that the gay men I know are some of the best men I know. They have amazing jobs, are pretty much the NICEST guys I know, are so caring and honest and clean and well dressed and have such a depth and understanding that I have yet to find in the heterosexual male. I have come to grips with the face that I am eternally doomed to love me that are incapable of loving me back in the way I want to be loved.
So fast forward to Sunday. Jonathan and I attend a brunch before the parade. Many friends of the hosts arrived and as they trapsed through the door, I was wondering when the processional of male supermodels was going to stop. These men were beautiful. I mean absolutely the most beautiful men I have ever seen in my life, honestly, no exaggeration. As they filed in, each bringing an amazing caserole or fruit or something incredibly delicious that most hetero men could not even fathom cooking, I began to realize something. Gay men have groups of friends and social circles, just the same as hetero men. You see, up until this point in my life, I have lived in small towns were there were one or two gay men and they usually didn't get along with each other, so I have never witnessed a group of gay men that get together and hang out much like many of my guy and girl friends do. It was amazing. They go out to the bars together, and though there were maybe a few of them that had a wild night with one of the others, what hetero group of friends hasn't? There are always groups of friends where the lines are blurred between what went down the night that him and her got drunk and left the bar together...that exists in any circle. But what was so amazing is that the men assembled in that room were not social outcasts, not random nobodies, they were guys who had amazing corporate jobs, amazing friendships and such normal lives. I don't know quite what I had expected, but I was just blown away. Needless to say, I was envious that I was not even in the cosideration pool for their dating pleasures...not even close. Even though they joked about the one or two guys that had slept with a girl ONE time A LONG TIME AGO...I couldn't help feeling a sinking in my heart again. It is the most helpless feeling in the world, I swear.
We made it down to the parade and it was just amazing. I think my favorite part was the "DYKES ON BIKES" when they rode through to kick off the parade. I got chills when the floats rode by and people had such a sense of "pride". I consider it my generation's equivalent to the Civil Rights Movement. I witnessed a piece of history and I am such the better for it. Through the course of the parade, we proceeded to drink heavily and have such an amazing time. I fell in love with David and Nathan. They are both pretty much the sum total of everything I am looking for in a mate. Besides the fact they they are unbelieveable gorgeous, have such amazing personalities and senses of humor, sexy as hell and are just the most fun people to party with, they are perfect. I was borderline harrassing them, I think, to at least give me a chance...I could prove to them I could be what they needed...there was no convincing these two, but I will be damed if I didn't give it a fair shot! I experienced acts of kindness that day that I have never experienced before. I witnessed a spirit of unity and respect that up until that point, I believed was only fairytale. It was as if it were almost too much for me and I began to cry. I cried to think that I would never have a chance to truly love some of the best guys I have ever met. That the guy of my dreams is someone that is completely out of my grasp. It is heartbreaking...really.
As I came home and reflected on the experience, I was so glad to be a part of Atlanta's PRIDE weekend. It was not so much to me a celebration of gay and lesbian rights or a rally in pursuit of them, it was a celebration of love. I am truly convinced, now more than ever, that being gay is something that is not socially motivated it is the way people are born. I met men this weekend who were confident in who and what they were and displayed an amazing amount of PRIDE in that.
Amen.
I would consider this past weekend one of the most eye opening experiences of my life. I had the great fortune of attending the Atlanta PRIDE celebration with none other than the greatest date ever, Jonathan. Here is a brief summary of our events:
Saturday- attend events at Piedmont Park
- continue the festivities on the Midtown scene at Blakes and Wet Bar
Sunday- recover from Satuday's hangover with screwdrivers at a pre-parade brunch hosted by some of the most fabulous men that God created
- attend the renound Gay Pride Parade in Midtown
So that pretty much gives you a rough sketch of our adventures, now let's venture into the uncharted territory in which I found myself this weekend.
First off, let me say that attending the festival in Piedmont Park was my first of many eye opening experiences of the weekend. When we arrived, I immediately noticed the following:
1. There are many more african american lesbians than I had predicted
2. There are many lesbians that I mistook for gay men.
3. There were some of the most beautiful lesbians and HOTTEST gay men I had ever seen.
As we ventured toward the stage in the park, I saw lesbian women (I affectionately refer to them as dykes) who can throw a football further than any college quarterback I witnessed to date. I also saw women who had no shirt on and had their nipples painted over with a wide array of patterns and colors. This to me was interesting. I also saw all of these people doing what most heterosexual people do, just hanging out...they were sitting in tents watching the performances, throwing frisbees and footballs, talking and socializing with friends...the only thing that separated this from Bonneroo is a slightly less than amazing band lineup, a different sexual preferenc and slightly less drug use. This sparked the wheels turning in my head. I think that most heterosexuals that I know that do not have much interaction with the gay community have a lot of misconceptions. What I learned this weekend was this; Gay people are heterosexuals with an alternative sexual preference...that is all.
Case in point, "Richard". Shortly after leaving the park on Saturday we ventured down to Blake's. Blakes is a gay bar in the heart of Midtown that upon entrace, other than noticing there is an abnormal number of incredibly good looking men, is no different than any Irish pub or "hetero" bar I have ever been to. Upon entrance, pit stop at bathroom, then upstairs to find a great people watching seat, I was approached by the one, the only..."Richard". Now, up until this point, I felt like the little kid with the hot pink sequined dress on at church that everyone walks past and says, "Awe, how cute...she dressed herself.." When Richard came along, I thought that by chance, I had located the one straight man in the entire bar (which I somehow have a habit of doing...strange isn't it?). Richard was the picture of Alabama frat boys on a Gameday...right down to the croakies and New Balance tennis shoes...he had the hair and everything...and when I heard him say, "LETS GET WASTED...WHO WANTS ANOTHER MILLER LITE?" my heart fluttered. Richard was so funny and as we sat and chatted, I just assumed that since he came up to me and struck up a conversation, he was straight. Sadly, I was wrong. Richard began telling me the story of his coming out and I felt my heart sink. This was one of the first times in my life that I have ever felt a spark for a man who I later found out was gay. WOW...this is mind blowing. You always assume that you will be able to tell. You may say to yourself, "Lauren, you were in a gay bar, what did you expect?" And I say to you, things are not always as they seem. The one thing I learned this weekend is this, you've always got to ask. There is a stereotype that all gay men are flaming queens that run around criticizing people's choice in shoes and sprinkling fairy dust on their "Fag Hags" (of which I am PROUD to wear the title. To me, this is a term of endearment and such an Honor...). There is a whole different level to gay men that most people do not take the time to experience. Richard was gay, that is not up for discussion, but do you think that he treated me any less than a lady? He opened car doors for me and bought me drinks at the bar and treated me with nothing less than the utmost of respect. I was so impressed and as I sat and looked at Richard out on the dance floor, my heart sank...why couldn't he just love ME? Why does he have to be gay?
This brings me to my second point. I am now fully convinced, if for some reason I was not before (?), that being gay is genetic. Gay men do not even have the instinctual inclination to look at a girl's boobs or to check out her ass...genetically, the drive is not there. Believe me, I have tried to catch the attention of many gay men, and it is like I get a pat on the head and a "You are so cute". It is so frusterating to me because of the simple fact that the gay men I know are some of the best men I know. They have amazing jobs, are pretty much the NICEST guys I know, are so caring and honest and clean and well dressed and have such a depth and understanding that I have yet to find in the heterosexual male. I have come to grips with the face that I am eternally doomed to love me that are incapable of loving me back in the way I want to be loved.
So fast forward to Sunday. Jonathan and I attend a brunch before the parade. Many friends of the hosts arrived and as they trapsed through the door, I was wondering when the processional of male supermodels was going to stop. These men were beautiful. I mean absolutely the most beautiful men I have ever seen in my life, honestly, no exaggeration. As they filed in, each bringing an amazing caserole or fruit or something incredibly delicious that most hetero men could not even fathom cooking, I began to realize something. Gay men have groups of friends and social circles, just the same as hetero men. You see, up until this point in my life, I have lived in small towns were there were one or two gay men and they usually didn't get along with each other, so I have never witnessed a group of gay men that get together and hang out much like many of my guy and girl friends do. It was amazing. They go out to the bars together, and though there were maybe a few of them that had a wild night with one of the others, what hetero group of friends hasn't? There are always groups of friends where the lines are blurred between what went down the night that him and her got drunk and left the bar together...that exists in any circle. But what was so amazing is that the men assembled in that room were not social outcasts, not random nobodies, they were guys who had amazing corporate jobs, amazing friendships and such normal lives. I don't know quite what I had expected, but I was just blown away. Needless to say, I was envious that I was not even in the cosideration pool for their dating pleasures...not even close. Even though they joked about the one or two guys that had slept with a girl ONE time A LONG TIME AGO...I couldn't help feeling a sinking in my heart again. It is the most helpless feeling in the world, I swear.
We made it down to the parade and it was just amazing. I think my favorite part was the "DYKES ON BIKES" when they rode through to kick off the parade. I got chills when the floats rode by and people had such a sense of "pride". I consider it my generation's equivalent to the Civil Rights Movement. I witnessed a piece of history and I am such the better for it. Through the course of the parade, we proceeded to drink heavily and have such an amazing time. I fell in love with David and Nathan. They are both pretty much the sum total of everything I am looking for in a mate. Besides the fact they they are unbelieveable gorgeous, have such amazing personalities and senses of humor, sexy as hell and are just the most fun people to party with, they are perfect. I was borderline harrassing them, I think, to at least give me a chance...I could prove to them I could be what they needed...there was no convincing these two, but I will be damed if I didn't give it a fair shot! I experienced acts of kindness that day that I have never experienced before. I witnessed a spirit of unity and respect that up until that point, I believed was only fairytale. It was as if it were almost too much for me and I began to cry. I cried to think that I would never have a chance to truly love some of the best guys I have ever met. That the guy of my dreams is someone that is completely out of my grasp. It is heartbreaking...really.
As I came home and reflected on the experience, I was so glad to be a part of Atlanta's PRIDE weekend. It was not so much to me a celebration of gay and lesbian rights or a rally in pursuit of them, it was a celebration of love. I am truly convinced, now more than ever, that being gay is something that is not socially motivated it is the way people are born. I met men this weekend who were confident in who and what they were and displayed an amazing amount of PRIDE in that.
Amen.
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